The man who ran out of lies, and left behind a lonely cat14 min read
Reading Time: 9 minutes
The year was 2019, and Theresa May had already pulled a David Cameron and made a bad call. She had announced a snap general election in 2017 to show people that even though she had filled in for David Cameron, she would be elected anyway. She did win, but her party lost a chunk of support. As you’d imagine, the party members didn’t really love that.
Theresa May was challenged by a host of opponents including Lord Buckethead in 2017 general election.
@LordBuckethead This is what makes Britain so great..go buckethead! pic.twitter.com/EC4bHrZuy0
— MarianneShillingford (@m_shillingford) June 8, 2017
A snap election is a general election in which all the country’s citizens vote. While a general election must be held every five years in Britain, a snap election is conducted on an unscheduled date somewhere in the middle of those five years.
Other #GeneralElection results (seriously)
—Lord Buckethead: 249 votes
—The Official Raving Monster Loony Party: 119
—Bobby “Elmo” Smith: 3 pic.twitter.com/V1Hjh2JcZO— BuzzFeed News (@BuzzFeedNews) June 9, 2017
Why do you think Prime ministers don’t hold snap elections all the time?
Brexit chaos
And then, of course, there was the whole Brexit issue. The people had voted, partied, protested and partied some more. But Theresa May couldn’t snap off the UK from Ireland and paddle it away. No, she had to make a deal with the European Union that allowed the two parties to continue freely sharing goods while the UK would play by its own rules.
As you’d imagine, the European Union was now separate from the UK and wanted to keep its interests in mind. Meanwhile, the Brexiteers from her party, who voted for Theresa May, wanted a quick deal to get their freedom from the EU as fast as possible. Well, for Theresa May, all of this proved to be quite impossible! The icing on the cake was that people in her own government, like Boris Johnson, had publicly spoken against her plan.
So through some backstabbing and careful planning, in 2019, the man who was to finally help the UK snap off from its “burdensome” friend came into Larry’s home. He was entertaining and unbothered by any rules and convention. What could go wrong? Well, as it turns out: a lot.
A chat with Larry
Let’s get chatting with Larry the Cat to see how Boris Johnson’s Prime Ministerial job took a turn for the worse:
So Larry, here you are, saying goodbye to another colleague. How does it feel?
Larry: It’s been tough. I think Boris really had it in him to make me laugh. He was funny, but, as you can imagine, being riddled with scandals has been no fun at all.
Are you throwing your hat in the ring for Prime Minister?
Larry: Well, if you follow my unofficial account on Twitter, you’d know that I took a poll and found that 95% of the people who voted want me there. I also think Boris Johnson shouldn’t be there a day longer. But the laws prevent a cat Prime Minister, so as things stand, you won’t see me move on from my role as a mouser.
#BBCOurNextPM Who should be the next Prime Minister?
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) July 25, 2022
Did you know Boris before he moved into No. 10?
Larry: Oh well, I had heard of him. He was always a character. Neither of the previous Prime Ministers I stayed with was happy with him when they left No.10. He had betrayed them both. As mayor of London, he had become quite popular, especially after hosting a successful Olympic Games in 2012. But even then, there was so much scandal. He vacationed through riots, was accused of corruption, and wasted millions of pounds on projects that never happened. But he was elected mayor twice! He had brought crime down in the city and helped improve the roads, so I suppose it was okay.
Plus, he was hilarious. I mean, he didn’t mind if people laughed at him. I have lived with the man for three years, and I still imagine him dangling from a zipline every time I think of him.
Did you see his downfall coming?
Larry: Oh! Of course, I did. The day before the vote on Brexit, he released two articles, each supporting a different side. Running a country is no joke. You have to make decisions. He probably wrote those articles to ensure he could cover his bases and keep climbing the political ladder. But once you’re Prime Minister, there is no one left to fool or stab behind the back. The Prime Minister is at the top of the ladder.
“[Boris Johnson] is a stranger to truth who has sooner or later betrayed every man, woman and cause with which he associates.”
— Boris Johnson’s ex-boss
Besides, his comments and racism weren’t funny. And if he wanted people to forgive things he said and did, he would have to be the world’s most efficient prime minister. For a short time, he may have been.
Are you saying he was good at his job?
Larry: Well, at some of it. When Theresa May resigned, Boris Johnson received a stinking pile of dog poo in the form of Brexit dealmaking. But by February 2020, he had won an election with an enormous margin, struck a deal with the EU, trade had begun, and things seemed normal. But then Covid-19 hit, and Boris Johnson began to get struck down.
So, would you say that Covid-19 was Boris Johnson’s downfall?
Larry: No, no, no! It was only the beginning. Yes, he took Covid-19 lightly, and Britain had one of the highest death tolls among countries in Europe. His own government released a study that showed Boris’ decision to not lock the country down until the hospitals started failing under immense pressure caused increased pain and suffering to the people.
You know, he really didn’t want to believe the virus was a real threat. He caught it too! But he kept insisting that he should leave the house. So all of us who work at No.10 set up chairs against the door to prevent him from leaving. We called it puppy gate. You know, because dogs are infamously dumb.
So, what really brought him down?
Larry: Oh, well, first there was puppygate, then partygate.
Partygate!?! That sounds like fun! What is that?
Larry: Boris and his friends had about 12 parties with alcohol and free-flowing food in the middle of the lockdown. People weren’t getting to say goodbye to their own families, and the people who made the rules were partying as though it was just any old day. Thanks to this, Boris was Britain’s first Prime Minister to get fined while he was still serving as PM.
That must really have been the nail in his coffin.
Larry: Well, no, even though he partied while the queen attended her husband’s funeral all alone, he was doing okay. It hurt his image but then a lot more happened. There were accusations of corruption, breaking the law, and even trying to break international law.
But what about his vaccination drive? That was a success, right?
Larry: Oh yeah, that was great. He acted fast, and Britain has one of the highest Covid-19 vaccination rates. 80% of the population over twelve years of age is vaccinated.
So, how did he finally end up losing his ministers and resigning?
Larry: On the surface, it was because he hired Mr. Pincher, a man who had been accused on several different occassions of harassing people. Boris Johnson knew all this, and appointed him as one of the highest ranking ministers anyway.
“I am sad to be leaving Government but I have reluctantly come to the conclusion that we cannot continue like this”
-Rishi Sunak, ex- finance minister
When his other ministers had to defend Boris’ actions, several felt disgusted with his attitude. Even his most loyal ministers said they couldn’t lie for him and cover up his scandals anymore. Over 50 of his ministers resigned over two days! But I have to tell you something, I think this wasn’t the real nail in his coffin.
Another one of Boris Johnson’s party member resigns
“Conservative MPs know in our hearts we are not giving the British people the leadership they deserve.”
You have me at the edge of my seat. What was the nail in Boris’ coffin?
Larry: Well, prices in Britain are skyrocketing, there was a terrible heatwave, under him, his party has started losing smaller elections, and the money and trade situation is not looking good.
In a national poll, 69 percent of British people said that Johnson should quit.
But what about the trade deal?
Larry: Well, that’s not going so good either. The war in Ukraine has made everything difficult. And on top of that, look at the UK’s map. Do you see Northern Ireland? As a part of the deal, this part of the UK still belongs to the EU. So instead of trading with the rest of the UK, countries are simply trading with Ireland and Northern Ireland. You know what’s worse? Northern Ireland is struggling too because stuff coming to Northern Ireland from the UK has to go through various checks etc.
Wait, you lost me there.
Larry: Well, things aren’t looking great for the Brexit deal, and the only way out of this Northern Ireland arrangement is to break international law, which, well, is illegal. Also, that would mean Britain would have to pay heavy taxes just to trade with any of the nations in the EU. Oh! and did I mention that Scotland recently announced that it wants independence!!
Oh, wow! That is a hot-hot soup. What happens next?
Larry: The conservative party picks the next PM who sticks around until 2024. That’s when the next general election is due. At the moment, two candidates are standing for election: Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss. About 200,000 people who have become members of the conservative party will vote for one of the two candidates, and the winner will be announced on the 5th of September.
So you might just get an Indian Prime Minister?
Larry: Well, his parents are Indian, but he is British. We can’t have a Prime Minister who lives in India. That wouldn’t work out too well. It hardly works out when the Prime Minister is sitting right here in 10 Downing street.
So, who gets your vote: Rishi Sunak or Liz Truss?
Larry: Well, I’ll have to take a better look at their policies to answer that question. They have a tough road ahead of them. Whoever wins has so much to fix.. oh so much. First of all, I need a bigger feeding bowl. And I need a new portrait. I feel like my last portrait just doesn’t cut it in 2022.
It was great talking to you, Larry. I hope the next time I speak to you, I am speaking to the Prime Minister.
Larry: Who knows, the rules could change. I think I’ll stick to handling the country’s vermin for now.
